A Voyage To Hell

I often wonder why I feel good (if for only but a few hours) after leaving my personal life stories on the internet for all to read...Maybe its the only good thing left in me trying to reach out and make contact with humanity that ive lost contact with, or maybe its because I just cant show emotion in reality. Totally oblivious to the fact that as hard as I try to hide any feelings for whatever the reason. The cold truth is that they seep out of me anyways...

Yesterday July 14 I had a friend I havn't spoken to or seen in almost eight months cause he disapeared off the face of the planet, message me on msn. So we talked for abit and then I went and took a nice warm shower, I come back to my computer to play Grand theft auto Vice City and he messages me again and asks if I'd like to see one of his friends so I said sure. So here's this little cutie bouncing her tits up and down infront of the webcam, I told her to flash me, she did then I told her id pound her so hard generations would remember, she tells me to come down to the city their in....So here's old Jake thinking he's getting a peice...HA! what a fool I was...

Once I got to my friends place and we had our beer and what not this girl starts telling me how much of a freak she is, I was down with that and said we I was also down with having a threesome with this girl so shes telling my friend and I all this stuff that gets her hot....anywho, she started drinking and got pretty drunk and was rubbing both our dicks but not doing anything with us really so I got abit to happy and started feeling her up and she was right down with that she was sucking on my finger deep throating a bottle.....then she tell's me to stop...so I did, then she rubs me again so I rub her back and she tells me to stop and i do it and she starts again!

So Here's poor old Jake thinking, okay, this girl's got a rape fantasy or something so i was just messing with her and my friend and her friend was sitting right next to us, she's biting me and telling me to stop but smiling at the sametime, anywho. Long story short, I didn't get a peice I felt terrible and don't know why the hell she would do that to me.
I remind anyone that reads this that I had no sexual contact with her what so ever besides from the patting and finger sucking.....Then my friend leaves the room and disapears and here's this girl I don't know either acting pissed off or just playing a headtrip on me, to make a long to short to a even shorter story short, I got back home at 12am very disgruntled.

Thing's like this confuse me, I have two neeces. If any guy ever raped them they'd be dead the very same day..So when some girl is acting like she doesn't want it but giving you little hints to keep going what are you suppose to think aftewards?
this has made me feel bad inside....All my life ive tryed to protect women from doing things they might regret and now I see that there really just as dirty as us guys I guess im hurting bad inside cause im finally realising that i should have taken the oppterunity to get laid when it was infront of me instead of passing it off as "Your drunk and will regret it".....I always put the lady first, now It's going to be ME first and I don't have a god damn regret about sex anymore or much of anything else.

I feel like im slowly crumbling inside, my soul is corroded and my demons are reaching out their fingers to pull my strings......Whatever it may be...

Im beginning to see what life is all about....Feeling good and that covers everything from pride,respect,sex thats all this life is about and if I have to fill some body bags to get what I want slowly im loosing all pity...all remorse....the world will be mine and i'll kill anyone that thinks they can do better, I'm sick of being the nice guy, its time for a change.